What Is a Non-Apology Apology?

Decent human beings are justifiably incensed by the Nazi Republican Telegram chat. Rather than add yet another take, I’d like to take a step back and talk about a bigger American societal problem.

Subscribe now

Warning: The initial half of this post is personal and about me.

I’ve had a lot going on behind the scenes. I don’t bother subscribers with my private issues, because it isn’t what you signed up for. You’re here to learn from me, and I’m grateful for every one of you.

As a very damaged human who survived religious abuse, narcissist abuse, and epic gaslighting, I’m still learning how to set and respect boundaries and form healthy friendships. I used to vomit my troubles on friends and treat them like substitute therapists. These days, I go silent when I’m struggling and avoid everyone until I pull myself together.

Neither approach is particularly healthy, but I’m still learning.

Recently, I spent time with a friend group. I’d given a total of three people in that group a thumbnail sketch of my personal issues. For the rest? I said nothing whatsoever for six solid months, even to close friends.

At a party, one of those friends told me my silence hurt her. She said how much my friendship had meant to her, and how painful it was not to hear from me for six months. There were tears. While she understood I was dealing with some stuff, she was genuinely gutted that I didn’t communicate.

She was right. About all of it.

I let her cry, and I cried. I didn’t try to stop her pain release. I took responsibility for my poor treatment of her and apologized multiple times. Not with the garden variety, “I’m sorry you feel hurt” garbage most Americans call an apology, but an actual, “I was wrong. My behavior was shitty. I hurt you, and I take full responsibility. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, but please know that I value you, and I will do better at communicating going forward if you’ll give me a chance.”

I don’t believe any type of apology excuses the racist, hateful, and immoral vileness we witnessed in the Nazi Republican Telegram group chat.

Still, the various responses are instructive of where American society is and where it’s headed. As the victim of multiple types of psychological abuse, I hope this newsletter helps more Americans cope with the firehose of abuse being heaped on our country and its citizens.

Because whether or not you’re a prior victim of psychological abuse, the government’s goal is making every American a victim. This quest isn’t the only goal of its figurehead; every member of this government is complicit.

I didn’t grow up in a household or greater environment where people took responsibility for their poor behavior. Nobody apologized.

Instead, I was poked and prodded and gaslit and humiliated and ridiculed and insulted until I finally erupted with volcanic force about something minor after a long series of taunts. My tormenters scored bonus points when they goaded me into losing it in front of others, so they could go, “See how difficult she is? How dramatic? Over-the-top? Ridiculous? Delusional?”

When I demanded an apology, instead I heard:

• You’re too sensitive.

• You’re overreacting.

• What a drama queen you are.

• I was joking. Why don’t you have a sense of humor?

• Don’t be so ridiculous.

• You misheard me; I never said that.

• Well, you did this to me, so now we’re even.

And very occasionally:

• I’m sorry for whatever I did that caused you to act like this. Now I demand that you forget about this silliness and engage with me again.

In the wake of the leaked Nazi Telegram chat, too many Republicans offered a version of my bullet-pointed list of psychological abuse instead of a meaningful apology.

• As usual, the left is overreacting.

• Everyone is being too sensitive about these youngsters’ immaturity.

• I don’t think they ever went so far as to be full-on Nazis. They were just joking. Where’s your sense of humor?

• How ridiculous that the left is forcing us to talk about private conversations of upstanding young people who were blowing off steam.

• Democrats are “hyperventilating” over these poor little white boy victims of a hit piece.

• I’m offended by this “pearl-clutching.”

A smattering of participants apologized and took responsibility for their harmful words and underlying behaviors. “There is no excuse for the language and tone in messages attributed to me. The language is wrong and hurtful, and I sincerely apologize,” said one. Another gave a version of the classic American “I’m sorry you were hurt” non-apology apology: “I am so sorry to those offended by the insensitive and inexcusable language found within the more than 28,000 messages of a private group chat.”

Not “I’m sorry for my offensive, hideous behavior.” But “I’m sorry you were offended.” In other words: “What happened isn’t about what an asshole I am. It’s about your inability to tolerate it.”

Too many Americans treat the harm they cause others in this manner. I’m not making a political statement. This vacuum exists in every quarter. We seem to be incapable of taking personal responsibility for the pain we cause. Many cannot or will not sincerely express remorse for hurtful actions and behaviors.

In Matthew 7:1-5, Jesus Christ admonished against grousing about the speck of dust in someone else’s eye while failing to address the beam in one’s own eye.

This entire episode feels like an example of a bunch of folks beating each other to death with their own eye-beams while pointing out others’ dust motes as an excuse to ridicule, torture, and even kill them, and refusing to apologize for the harm their uncontrolled projections caused.

For a party so determined to force us to be “Christians,” this is some of the most despicable, unchristian behavior.

But what do I know? I still have so much work to do to be a better communicator, a more dependable friend, and a functional person.

I wonder where we’d be as a country if we took responsibility for the hurts we inflict, genuinely expressed remorse instead of gaslighting and blame-shifting, and offered something besides abusive non-apologies.

Something I’ll be thinking about as we head into this No Kings Weekend.

Protest on 18 October. With over 2,600 planned protests, every American is a short car ride from a No Kings event.

Wear an inflatable costume for extra credit.

Go with a group.

Disable phone tracking.

Record everything.

Be peaceful.

Protect yourselves and each other.